The anxiety is returning. Without even the decency to creep in, it’s more looming and roaring like a thunderstorm you can see coming from across the river.

COVID cases are exponentially increasing, the days are dramatically shorter and darker, and Emmanuel’s birth still feels so far away–that spark of light that comes in the darkest of December nights.

As we’re consistently warned through school, seminary students are especially susceptible to spiritual anorexia as we focus impossible amounts of attention on our work, on our study of God, his Word, ethics, commands, and application.

In the relentless pursuit of the heart of God and the revelation He offers, we seminarians are at high risk of letting that heart slip through our grasp in an effort to understand. An understanding that initially starts with humble reverence but skirts dangerously close to a desire to taste from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It is a precipitous ledge on which we perch–one side leads us down a path of futiley knowing what God knows, and the other side leads us to knowing God. The difference can be imperceptible at first, but has dire consequences.

Later in our coursework, when we have a required internship (for me, that will be in the Fall of 2021), we have required Scripture memory work and study, becuase they know–they’ve warned us all along. We can get sucked so easily into the duties of ministry and let loose our time with the Minister.

But I’m not there yet. It’s not *required* of me to be doing separate Bible study or work or, or, or, or. ….

Careful, I have to remind myself. Idols are everywhere, and dressed up as perfectly fine and admirable things. But, it’s best to keep me in my place and God in his and school in its.

I have to reclaim those hours wasted scrolling, rolling over in bed, or–again–scrolling, so I can rest in the presence of the great I am. Elohim. Adonai. Yahweh.

Every literal other thing will fall away. But He won’t.

Alas, in these, among the darkest of days I’ve ever experienced (as is the case for so many of us), I must seek first His kingdom and His rightousness. His heart.

That’s always been the only way out of this mess.

xo

andrea